A voice in the darkness

I hadn’t realized how high strung I’d become until the phone rang early this morning. Stumbling around in the semi-darkness, groping for the handset, hoping, praying, knowing already who was at the other end.

“Hello?” A pause. Then, “Hi Baby”.

Whoosh – I let my breath out. I hadn’t realized that I had been holding it since the phone first pealed. Those two words wrapped around me like a hug and I closed my eyes. Finally.

I expected a snap and crackle to the satellite phone. But there’s only a slight delay. He could be down the street.

Liam is anxiously standing next to me and I hand him the phone. “Hi Daddy” – all the sadness of the last 5 days has melted away. You could literally hear the smile in his voice. He walks away from me – sharing secrets only meant for his dad.

Time is short, however, and soon he is handing me back the phone promising he’ll be a good boy and the ever famous “love you too.”

I smile. They’re close. And maybe hearing his daddy’s voice will mean that tonight he won’t cry himself to sleep and wake up screaming. I think I should tell Rick about those episodes – but I remember the ‘golden rule’* of speaking to our husbands – and I hear myself saying; “Everything is fine.”

He doesn’t know that I’m writing. When he gets home I’ll show him. But for now his mind has to remain on his job over there. People’s lives depend on it.

It’s good to hear his voice. He sounds tired. He hasn’t slept and he’s exhausted. It’s already nearly suppertime over there.

I get snippets of his life over there. They’re still in the BATS (Big Assed TentS) – the army has an acronym for everything, and should get their “permanent” quarters soon.

The heat is awful, like being in the oven. Dubai felt worse because of the humidity, but Afghanistan is nasty too and he wishes for our pool.

He’s bought himself a pair of new desert boots – the ones issued to him in Canada were cheap hurt his feet. It’s almost like he’s apologizing for buying the boots. Anything to make his work more comfortable is AOK with me.

He tells me to hug the kids for him and promises he’ll call me when he can. I tell him to stay safe. And click its over.

I shudder and catch myself before the tears spill over my lids. I go over our conversation in my head. I’ll have to repeat it for friends and family several times before today is over but for now it’s just between us.

I straighten my spine. Bring it on. Day six.


*Army wives are told not to tell their husbands about anything that would make them feel bad because they (the husband) can’t do anything to help and it will just take their minds off their main objective.