Howling at the Wind

“All ready?”

What kind of a stupid question is that?

Why do people feel it necessary to ask if I’m all ready for Christmas?

Of course I’m not all ready. Rick isn’t here! I’ll never be “ready” to celebrate a major holiday alone with the kids.

Have I shopped? Check.

Baked? Check.

Decorated? Not yet.

What’s my hold up? I can’t bear it. I can’t face it. I don’t want it. I don’t feel like it.

Pick one.

I normally love Christmas. Its sounds, its smells, its lights all make me smile. This year it’s like someone’s twisting a knife.

I know I’ve got to get my arse in gear. I know I’ve got to make the holidays as “normal” as I can for the children. But…I DON’T WANT TO!

I WANT MY HUSBAND!

I know he’s got a job to do. I know he’s doing important work. I know he’s a soldier first. I know all of it. I understand all of it. I really do. But I can’t stop feeling this way.

I want to scream and lay on the floor and kick my feet like a two-year-old. I want to climb to the top of Fishing Point Head and scream at the wind. I want to punch something. Howl at the moon – anything to make this feeling go away.

It’s petty. I realize that.

I’m just so tired.

I’m tired of sleeping with one eye open. I’m tired of chasing Kate and bearing the responsibilities of the house alone. I’m tied of not showering alone on the weekends. I’m tired of always being “on deck”.

And add to that stress the stresses of the holidays and I believe we’re seeing some hairline fractures in the delicate membrane that his holding this particular military spouse together.

Oh – I’ll get the decorating done. The presents will be wrapped. The tree will be trimmed. I know I’ve got enough strength to “go through the motions” for the sake of the kids. But I feel like this Energizer Bunny is running out of juice.

If anyone has a direct line to the big guy – could you please ask him to send a little extra strength, patience and Christmas spirit in my direction?

Day 119