Dusting the Elephant

We’ve got a date!

An honest to goodness return date!!

I can scarcely allow myself to believe it. It’s been so long.

I can count down sleeps. I feel like a five year old a month before Christmas. It’s so close! So close I can almost reach out and touch it.

He’ll be here before Liam’s birthday, but I’m afraid to play up that fact yet, in case the army pulls one of it’s famous hurry-up-and-wait deals and he doesn’t get here until after his birthday.

My boy looked up at me at breakfast the other day with a mouthful of cereal and said –“my bestest present ever would be my daddy for my birthday.” I nearly cried.

I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he gets to jump into his daddy’s arms. They’re close and it’s been difficult for him to find a place in this world without his Rick’s presence.

I have to force myself to break down the time.

People keep saying, “it’ll be soon now” or “it will go fast.”

They have no idea – not a clue what we’re going through. They’re mouthing platitudes in order to fill the space with sound. And I fight the urge to reach out and smack them in the head.

If anything this last month will be harder on us. We know how many have been injured or killed within weeks of their return dates. We’re aware of the fact that our husbands are tired and it doesn’t take a genius to know that when you’re tired accidents can happen.

The coming weeks will be filled with anticipation, preparation, and a whole lot of worry and prayer.

At the outset I didn’t think it was possible to feel worry every minute of the day.

Looking at us – you wouldn’t know what we’re feeling half the time. We’ve learned that people are uncomfortable around the worriers and that we’ve got to suppress our true emotions a major part of the time. But it’s the pink elephant in the room.

It’s there.

We can pretend for you.

We can play the game of “everything is okay”.

But until he is home – until he is here, in my arms, Dumbo is in the corner gathering dust.

Day 191